Please Don't Leave Me
by musicandme37
Summary: An insight into the mind of the mad and absolutely fabulous Brendan Brady, and his obsession with his Stephen. Fic based around the lyrics to the song Please Don't Leave Me by Pink.   Spoilers up to 29th July ep. I do not own the characters or the song.


Summary: An insight into the mind of the mad and absolutely fabulous Brendan Brady. Fic based around the lyrics to the song Please Don't Leave Me by Pink.

Fic inspired by this awesome fanvid by lucaskisses on youtube: /watch?v=aje-7W91oXA It is my fave Stendan fanvid and this song is pretty much perfect for Stendan.

This fic consists of the thoughts of BB during real scenes from the show, and a couple of ones I made up.

My first Hollyoaks fanfic so I hope you enjoy and please review if you do! Thanks for reading!

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><p><strong><em>I don't know if I can yell any louder<em>**

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" The screams spit from my lips in a venomous mantra.

I warned him to shut his mouth. But he didn't shut up.

I just wish he'd shut up. Shut up. Shut up!

I'm making him shut up.

He can't tell Warren. He can't hurt Stephen.

I won't let him.

I'll kill him first.

...

He's not talking now.

Warren crouches down beside Danny's body and checks his pulse. I can hardly feel the hammer that's still clutched between my fingers and weighing down my hand in blood-stained guilt. "He's dead." He says.

...

I force myself to breath. Take a moment.

Let Warren think of a plan.

It's new to me, but he's done this plenty of times before. Even bumped off his Missus. Or so they say.

That's the difference between me and him. I'd never physically hurt a woman. That's what makes me better than him. A bigger man than him.

Foxy's murdered more than once, but despite all that Foxy does, Foxy doesn't scare me.

What scares me is when someone threatens something that's mine. Danny never learned.

And that's why he's dead.

Because Stephen is precious to me, no matter how hard I beat him...

- H -

**_How many times have I kicked you outta here?_**

**_Or said something insulting?_**

Like I said. I'd never hit a woman.

But Stephen's not a woman. So the rules are different.

Blokes get a slap when they step outta line. That's just the way things are.

We've had so many of these confrontations. Where he's crossed the line and I've had to force him back into his place.

"What do ye think yer doin'?" I ask him.

He looks up at me from the floor, tears brimming his eyes. He's clutching his ribs.

Maybe I broke another one?

"I thought..."

"Yeah, well, that's the thing, ey Stephen?" I lean down close to him, lips close enough to his hair that my breath moves each strand, I watch them with wide, entranced eyes. "Ye always assume. But ye forget..." I stand on his fingers and he whimpers loudly in pain. "Shh, shh. I'm talkin'." I remind him, petting a hand in his hair. "You don't make the rules Stephen. I do. What I say goes. Ye get me? So I kiss ye when I wanna kiss yeh. I say when and where. You don't get to decide. Understand?"

Ste nods and says "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It won't...I won't do it again. I'm sorry Brendan."

"It better not happen again." I warn him. "Cos if it does, I'll make sure you regret it. I ain't a queer Stephen. Queers bein' all public is disgusting. You don't wanna be disgusting do ye?"

Ste shakes his head, gasping in little sobbing breaths. "I'm sorry..." He mumbles, voice all pleading. The way that never fails to send a thrill through my veins.

"Good. Now get outta my sight."

Ste gets up with only a small cry of pain. He's learning to take it like a man at last. He stumbles towards the door.

"An' not a word to Amy or Rae." I say, watching him freeze in the doorway. "Not if you wanna see me again. Understand?"

Ste nods again and leaves.

How many times does this have to happen for my boy to get it? I don't want people around here to know about me and him and yet he keeps on pushing. And now both his little guardian devils know. That boy just can't keep his mouth shut. I don't wanna have to keep doin' this, but he drives me to it. He does.

He'll learn eventually. I can't believe he hasn't learnt before now. The rules are pretty simple:

Every time he tries to out me, I'll clout him.

An' that's the way it's gunna stay, because that's just the way it is.

- H -

_**I can be so mean when I wanna be**_

_**I am capable of really anything**_

I saw him chatting with Warren in the alley outside the club.

What is Stephen thinking?

I'm perplexed. So I go and find Stephen to ask him. I find him at the SU bar.

"None of your business." He says, when I ask who was calling him on his mobile.

None of my business? All of Stephen's business is my business.

Especially when Foxy is involved. And Foxy's always too involved in my business nowadays.

"I'll be the judge of that, Stephen." I say, snatching his phone. Surprise, surprise as to who the caller is. "Oh look, it's Warren." Well, well, well. "I didn't know you two were mates. That is until I saw you two skulking around the alleyway..."

Stephen tries to snatch the phone back.

"Oh, oh, oh..." I hold it away.

Woah, woah, woah. What's Stephen keeping secrets for? The boy will never learn.

"Stay away from him." I advise...no...itell/i Ste. "He's trouble." I give the phone back.

"That's a bit rich innit? Comin' from you."

Surely Stephen knows by now? He steps outta line. He gets a slap.

With that comment, he's overstepped the line.

And he's working towards one hell of a slap.

"You're angry at me, I get that. But don't use that as an excuse to do something stupid. Ok?"

Ste hits my hand away. "Ses the guy who broke me rib?"

I smack the table over.

But that doesn't mean I've lost my temper.

If I'd truly lost it I'd have knocked down Stephen, not the table.

I push him back against the bar. Kid will never fucking learn.

"You have no idea what I've done for you." He honestly has no idea. "You can go on thinkin' that I don't give a damn about you, if it makes you happy."

Foxy walks in. Stephen drags fearful eyes away from me to fix terrified eyes on Warren.

I leave quickly, leaving Ste to clear up the mess of smashed glass and pick up the table.

I've given him far worse punishments for overstepping his mark. And he is way beyond the mark.

He has no idea what I've done for him.

I've even killed for him.

- H -

_**I can cut you into pieces**_

I love the power I have over him.

I can hiss 'You will come back to me' in his ear and know that it's true.

He's my boy. He's small and skinny and beautiful and fragile and he's mine, to break and mend and break and mend and love and hate and teach and hurt and control. He's my boy.

I think he eventually gets the game. The game we play. He speaks out, he gets hit. He does well, he gets rewarded. I still don't let him know every single rule of the game, so he'll never truly win. I'll always come out on top.

But I'm a spontaneous, temperamental kind of guy. It's what makes me addictive.

It's what's got him addicted.

I'm not going to change.

So I'm changing him instead.

Because he's my boy. He's disobedient and yet so obedient. He's dangerous and yet vulnerable. He can be unpredictable but he's loyal. He's got a criminal record, but he's a good boy now. He can be the devil but looks like an angel. He's so beautiful when he cries. He loves me. He's my boy.

I can beat him black and blue and he'll still not turn me down. He'll always come back to me.

...Or so I thought.

- H -

_**When my heart is...broken**_

He comes into my office. Face badly bruised. I can't help but revel in the knowledge that I did that to him. I added the colour to his pale skin. Painted him like a canvas.

He tells me he wants to be with Noah, and takes the bastard's hand.

My heart shatters, but my smirk remains in place.

It won't last.

Stephen and Noah won't last.

It'll be over soon.

It will.

And if it doesn't, I'll rip up that relationship with ease. It'll be easy to get rid of Noah.

I'll tear them apart with my bare hands before Ste truly leaves me.

Stephen, _**Pl****ease don't leave me**_

...

**_Please don't leave me_**

I look through the window and see him and...it. In his bedroom.

I should be there. Not Noah.

Noah. With his fake smiles and that annoying, smug tone to his voice that never fails to hit a nerve. With his fashion sense...his scarves. His eyebrows that seem to have a life of their own. His shoulders that jump up and down almost as much as his eyebrows. He's so bloody expressive. He's so open, the way he's oh so out and oh so proud. He's the complete opposite of me. He's expressive and doesn't lock away his true feelings. He's proud of who he is, not hating himself. But right now I'm not so much hating myself. I'm just hating him so fucking much.

And I'm standing outside Ste's home, looking through the window at the boy I love and the man I hate.

I can't stop it. What they have.

I've lost my control. I can feel it slipping away through my fingers.

It feels like the worlds stopped turning, the moment I realise I've lost my boy.

He isn't playing my games anymore.

And it's scary that I don't know exactly when Stephen became the world to me.

And all that's running through my head is 'Please. Please don't leave me.'

The thought won't stop running.

And I run too.

_**I always say how I don't need you**_

_**But it's always gonna come right back to this**_

_**Please, don't leave me**_

- H –

_**How did I become so obnoxious?**_

"Foxy? Did you miss me? I'm back!" I yell across Hollyoaks' Square.

The look on Foxy's face makes my day.

I'm back to keep an eye on Foxy. Be one step ahead him.

I'm back to get back Stephen. I'll put myself back to being one step ahead of him.

I'm back to show Rae and Amy that they ain't gettin' rid of me that easily.

I push Douglas into the club. Doug's my replacement boy, just to order around until I get Ste back to me. Doug's obedient.

Well...until Bex dies anyway.

- H -

I'm sitting in an interrogation room, with that prick Ethan leaning over the table, smirking like a smug bastard who thinks he knows what he's doing. That he's got the right guy.

He thinks I killed Bex.

Wrong.

He thinks I killed India.

Wrong.

The one body he doesn't ask about is the one that Stephen, of all people, pulled out of the pond not so long ago. If Ethan would have asked. He would have been right.

I nearly give the game away anyway.

I didn't kill him. I didn't kill him.

But I did.

Alone, in my cell at the station, I get a chance to reflect.

Stephen,

_**What is it with you that makes me act like this?**_

_**I've never been this nasty**_

Sure, I kept Vinnie quiet. And Macca.

But with Stephen, I've got way too involved. I'm not just battering him around anymore. I'm threatening his friends, breaking into his house, trying to split up him and his *shudder* boyfriend. I've become more involved than I've ever been before with any other guy.

What is it about him?

He's defiant and challenging, but giving and puts others before himself.

Macca was selfish and Vinnie was edging on too cocky. Probably why Danny took such a...dislike...to him.

I like younger men. I like skinnier men. I like smaller men. They're easier to control: Macca, Vinnie and Stephen tick all those boxes.

But what is it about Stephen.

I'm not sure I'll ever truly know.

Maybe it's because he keeps slipping through my fingers.

Maybe it's because every time I think I've finally got him under my control, he just proves me otherwise...

_**Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?**_

_**The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest**_

I hit him so many times in those months we spent secretly sleeping together. And I never truly got my message across.

It takes one blow with a bat from him to put me in hospital. He got his message across alright.

I actually felt proud of him, despite my tears and trauma. He'd stood up for himself. I finally realised that my boy can be as dangerous as me if pushed hard enough.

He'd done it to me after Foxy had gone and told him about what I'd done to Danny.

But it didn't stop me loving him, quite the contrary. I think I loved him more.

More than anything I'd ever felt for Macca and Vinnie combined.

- H -

_**But baby I don't mean it**_

_**I mean it, I promise**_

But we shared more serene and close moments too.

I miss those most of all.

I remember a time when I lay in bed and Stephen's body was tucked up against mine. I can still feel his heartbeat. Hear his even breaths as he sleeps. See the ghost of a smile on his lips.

He'd woken up not long after, and we'd chatted about Kyle and Theresa and Foxy and Calvin Valentine. And then I'd let out that Foxy knew that I'd done something bad.

And I'd promised Ste it was nothing to worry about.

"I promise." I said. "Gissa kiss."

Stephen had smiled and kissed me.

I want more moments just like that one.

But every time I see Stephen walk into the club or down the street with Noah, I just get this pleading voice in my head. Silently begging him.

_**Please don't leave me**_

The same thought crossed my mind when Foxy and I got arrested by Ethan.

I saw the look on Ste's face when he saw me being led from the club and stuffed into the police car. I saw the fear and concern on his face.

I know he still cares for me. Maybe still loves me.

So my voice started it's now familiar loop as I stared at him and tried and convey my feelings without words.

_**Please don't leave me**_

_**I always say how I don't need you**_

_**But it's always gonna come right back to this**_

_**Please, don't leave me**_

- H –

**_I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me_**

But these begging thoughts are never voiced aloud.

That's my problem.

I've never told Ste how beautiful he is. How his hair is always perfect. How his eyes are always so full of life. How his face betrays every emotion. He wears his heart on his sleeve, that boy.

Unlike me.

I shut myself up inside myself. And then stuff myself so far into the closet that I make my feelings for Stephen his fault.

And I miss him.

_**I can't be without, you're my perfect little punching bag**_

I can't deny that I didn't get a thrill out of hitting him, hurting him, manipulating him.

He's a pretty crier.

He always said never again. But he always came back.

Well, all but one time.

And now I want him back.

_**And I need you, I'm sorry.**_

Why can't I just tell him I'm sorry?

_**Please, please don't leave me**_

_**Baby please don't leave me**_

- H -

And the longer time he spends with Noah. The more determined I get to break them apart.

They act so coupley now. They go for meals and they kiss in the street.

The more I see it the more I panic I'm losing him for good.

_**No, don't leave me**_

_**Please don't leave me no no no**_

- H -

The day he tells me he's leaving with Noah for Newcastle is the day my heart truly shatters, and then so does my beer bottle as I hurl it with all my might at the wall.

I don't understand. I thought he'd never leave his kids. I thought he'd never leave me.

I've got to stop him leaving.

So I start interfering. I start taunting. I start scheming and twisting in every way I know how. In the ways I know best.

I've got to sort this out.

_**You say I don't need you but it's always gonna come right back,**_

_**It's gonna come right back to this.**_

_**Please, don't leave me.**_

_**No.**_

_**No, don't leave me**_

_**Please don't leave me, oh no no no**_.

My plan of the job offer didn't work. Noah isn't going to Newcastle alone like I'd hoped. Ste's said he's going too. So I'm organising a leaving party and finding another way to break Noah and Ste up for good. Then he'll be with me again. He will be my Stephen again.

Noah isn't right for Ste. Noah can't stand kids. I love kids. Ste's kids are beautiful, just like him. I'm what Ste needs. And I need him.

_**I always say how I don't need you**_

_**But it's always gonna come right back to this**_

And now I'm convinced.

I know how to solve this.

Brendan Brady doesn't need luck.

The Irish are said to be lucky.

But Brendan Brady doesn't even need the luck of the Irish.

Brendan Brady makes his own luck.

He may say now that he's going to leave me.

_**Please don't leave me**_

He may say he doesn't want me anymore.

But I'm the one that's going to be there at the end of the day.

I'm the one he's always going to want. Always going to crawl back to.

I'm the one who's going to make sure that I'm always in his life.

_**Please don't leave me**_

The plan worked in some ways.

Noah's out of my face once and for all. Far away from here. Far away from Stephen.

But then the boy I paid to seduce Noah so successfully, also mouthed off to Stephen.

And Stephen, just as we'd sort of figured something out, marched in and poured his drink over my head.

I watch him leave, swearing for the hundredth time that he'll never see me again.

But I can't help but smile as I dry my face.

I'm more certain of it now than I've ever been before.

He'll be back.

He always does come back.

I'm going to take back what belongs to me.

And he'll never leave me.

I'll make sure of it.

*fin*


End file.
